Dear GiGi,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years now and he has yet to pop the question. His parents are divorced and while he isn’t the biggest fan of marriage, when we first started going out he said he’d do it “for the right woman.”

Come year three I started subtly hinting that this was the direction I wanted things to go, and when I saw no results by year four I started to get a little hysterical. I remember tearing up while listening to depressing music driving around town and having random breakdowns, sometimes in front of him or coworkers. Then I spent all of year five numb to it all and threatened to break up with him, which of course I didn’t do because we have a lovely dog and I know he would try to take the pup from me if we ever “divorced.”

If I’m not the right woman, why is he still hanging on? Should I demand that he “sh*t or get off the pot”? We have a good thing otherwise — maybe I need to get it into my head that marriage is overrated. Does it make sense to stay together for our dog’s sake?

Thank you,

Just Another Emotional Trainwreck

Dear Crazy Train,

I’m calling you that because I assume that’s what your co-workers are calling you. Note: NEVER cry over a man at work. I would start by asking your guy the name of that “right woman,” ’cause honey, it ain’t you!

If the only thing keeping you with this guy is your pup, I can tell you right now: The dog likes you better.

Pack your dog’s stuff (and don’t forget ALL his treats) and leave that bonehead. Clearly you’re a good dog mommy and deserve a guy who is begging for you to leash him up and call him your own! Good luck, Crazy Train!

Dear GiGi,

Some times of the month, I am really into my boyfriend having facial hair, but other times of the month I can’t stand it. He’ll lean in to give me a kiss and I’ll feel his prickly face and ick out. Other times of the month, I think it’s pretty foxy. I think my facial hair preferences are tied to my monthly cycle somehow and my man is confused about the mixed signals I am giving him.

Please tell me I’m not crazy.

Freaky About Man Fur

Dear FAMF,

Girl, I’m freaky about no fur, so clearly you are crazy. Who would want to cuddle up to chicken skin with no fluff to snuggle into? That’s really just gross, in my humble canine opinion, but what’s grosser than that is writing to me about your monthly issues! Puhlease! Plus, how’d you escape the shelter without the snip-snip? I thank the ASPCA every day I don’t have to deal with the Ben & Jerry-fueled freakouts every month.

So back to you. I say send your boyfriend and his face fuzz my way when you’re up to your chin in Chunky Monkey. No mixed signals here!

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