Meet Noodle, my 3-year-old miniature Dachshund. If you’ve never owned a Dachshund, there’s something you should know. You don’t get just a dog; you get a dog and a cat and a person. Dachshunds are notorious for their wit and cunning minds. You have food. So does your dog.

Noodle is no exception. Here are five funny-crazy things about him.

1. My dog talks

So, that’s pretty normal — lots of dogs are vocal. But my dog is a real talker. Every morning there is a chorus of grunts and groans from under the sheets, coming from my dog. He has a good stretch, rubs his face everywhere, and then comes to yawn a big ole nasty one in my face. When his groaning doesn’t get my attention, he sneezes. When the sneezes don’t get my attention, he makes a low-pitched hum-like growl.

Normally we don’t get all the way to a full-fledged bark (which, to my enjoyment, sounds very much like the baying of a Pointer and not the yipping of a small dog), but that’s when you know he’s serious. It’s lovely to have a dog that doesn’t bark at every little noise, but sometimes I wish he did. It’s when it’s quiet that I start to worry!

2. He’s a cat

Have you ever watched a cat sleep in a sunbeam? Stretch out and soak it all in? Okay, so most dogs will do that, too. But what about insisting on sitting on your shoulder when you walk around the house? I think my favorite cat trait of his is that when I wake up and he’s been sleeping on my pillow, he will slide down on his back to my neck and then wiggle himself around so that his tail is near one of my ears and his nose is by my other. Yeah, he’s a strange one.

3. He’s not a humper, he’s a yippy-yuck!

Noodle has a strange habit that has nothing to do with me leaving the house. It has to do with me leaving the kitchen. Make your jokes — women shouldn’t leave the kitchen. But Noodle is a firm believer. He doesn’t do this to any men in our house. If you are in the kitchen for even a moment and you walk out he will latch his front paws onto the back of your calf, and sometimes even bite into your pant leg as well.

Then, with all his 11 pounds, he will hold on while being pulled along, trying with all his might to hold you back. I’ve seen small children do this to their parents, but this is a whole other level of doggie yippy-yuck.

4. Noodle has a sweet tooth

We all know that chocolate isn’t good for dogs. Well, in general, sugar isn’t that great for them. But tell that to Mister Noodle. We have tested this theory. He will choose jelly beans and licorice over fresh bacon. As I said before, Dachshunds are the ultimate foodmongers, but truly this is another level. It never fails — you can read it on his face. “Are you eating dinner? Hmm, I’m interested. Oh, she has dessert? I LOVE YOU I PROMISE I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU JUST GIVE ME THAT FROYO!!” He’s not picky; he will take any treat, even bits of lettuce, but sugar trumps everything any day.

5. Lifting both legs to … poo?

This is the funniest of all his silly behaviors. As some of you dog owners may know, our pets can be very choosy about places to potty. Generally, it makes sense when they want to wee on specific posts or fire hydrants, but what is the logic behind poo location? Apparently to my nutcase dog, poo has to be as high up as possible. Take into consideration here that my dog is only about three inches off the ground.

This leads to many laughs from me and those passing by on trails and sidewalks when my dog backs his butt up onto a fire hydrant to do his business. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to explain why there is dog poo on top of a garden gnome or a potted plant. But I can tell you, it’s about the funniest thing I’ve seen a dog do.

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