After centuries of being good boys, the nation’s dogs reported yesterday that they have had it with the surging popularity of cats — along with the flood of T-shirts, videos, books, and cat leggings that have come with it.
“I’ve been sitting here all day, watching that cat,” said Arnold the Beagle mix, gesturing to a Persian napping on a chair. “Do you realize that cat has not moved in 18 hours? And he has 500,000 followers on Instagram?”
“What the hell is wrong with you people?” he added.
Shaken by the cats’ sudden fame, the dogs have launched a campaign to claw back interest. Some have taken to watching cats to learn their secrets and try to mimic their feline counterparts.
“I can haz cheezburger!” said Henry the Bulldog, sitting uncomfortably in one of the snug boxes he had been climbing into all day. “For God’s sake, gimme a cheezburger! I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER, DAMMIT!”
Jakey, a Lab in Orlando, spent the day surprising himself in a mirror. Ultimately, he broke the mirror and was sent outside by his outraged owner. Meanwhile, Columbo the Pit mix tried “air kneading” before knocking over a lamp and similarly getting sent out of the house.
“Where’s our film festival? Our shoes shaped like dogs? Why don’t people wear dog ears?” said Arnold, a Boxer out of Minnesota, who has unsuccessfully been trying to persuade his owner to make a funny existential video about him by lying around glumly and looking off into the distance. “Wait — maybe I should jump in a grocery bag? How about I slip off a countertop? That’s funny, right?”
Over in San Francisco, Brutus the terrier spent the whole of Thursday sitting very still with a very pronounced, grumpy frown on his face. Nobody noticed. Sally pretended to chase a laser light before she couldn’t take it anymore and grabbed the the device and chewed it up. Boffo tried waking up everyone at 3 a.m. by barking for a fresh bowl of water. That didn’t go over well.
“Look, I’m a bread loaf!” said Willy, sitting awkwardly on the ground before toppling over.
In South Dakota, a Dachshund named Thurston jumped onto his owner’s dresser and began knocking the toiletries to the floor with her paw, one by one, before losing her footing and tumbling into a full bathtub. Larry, a Rottweiler, has been sitting motionless in front of a wall at his Texas suburban home, staring at it, waiting for somebody to make him famous.
“Just download Vine,” he said to this reporter, “and make a video. It’s been two hours. Please. I’m staring at a wall.”
Aside from a uptick in worried phone calls to veterinarians, America has virtually ignored the dogs’ erratic behaviors, and the campaign appears to be losing steam now that dinnertime is approaching.
As of press time, Henry the Bulldog is still sitting uncomfortably in his snug box from the Back Store, waiting for his owner to return home, but now there is a cat sitting on the couch looking at him, a real Colonel Meow-like guy, giving him the hard stare.
You have to see this cat.
