Did you know today is If Pets Had Thumbs Day? Yes, it is. What? You don’t believe me? Do you think I’d lie to you? YOU DO?!

Anyway! Moving on …

Yes, today is If Pets Had Thumbs Day, a day to imagine how terrifying life would be if dogs sported the appendages necessary to drive a car, open doors, text you, roll dough into balls, handle money, and adjust the thermostat.

And also these six hilarious things:

1. Eat all your peanut butter

2. Insist on wearing shades at breakfast:

3. Peel open bananas:

4. Stroke their jowls in satisfaction:

5. Lick things in slow motion, causing you to either spit out your own food in giddy merriment or total disgust:

6. Make you giggle so much your food goes cold:

Are you picturing that? Are you picturing that world? I love dogs, but if they could suddenly handle a fork or whatever, I think we’d quickly devolve into chaos. So let’s be glad that this is merely a speculative holiday, am I right? I’m right.

Of course, if you have a pet monkey (and if you do I hope you are qualified to), then this holiday doesn’t really mean anything to you, so you can just go on with your day like just another manic Monday.

If your dog friend had thumbs, what would be the first thing she’d do?

Check out these adorable stories on Dogster:

• We Love These Pictures of Dog-Pooping Photobombs
• Go Home, the Internet Has Been Won by These Chihuahua and Chicken BFFs
• Everybody’s Doing It: The Dog Breed Group Personality Quiz

About Liz Acosta: Dogster’s former Cuteness Correspondent, Liz still manages the site’s daily “Awws,” only now she also wrangles Dogster’s social media. That’s why she wants you to follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and — her personal favorite — Instagram. See ya there!