House-Breaking News: Puppies in S.F. Run Low on Newspapers to Poop On

Animal Care and Control scrambles to find a source of newsprint for puppies to poop on.


The pooping-related problems of puppies in the pound requires paper — lots of paper. Newspaper, to be precise, thick reams of pulp to be pooed upon by the puppy hordes. But with the rise of digital media, the puppies have ever-diminishing quantities of good-old newsprint to poop upon, and that’s very 🙁

Granted, the problem is not out of control just yet. Puppies aren’t being forced to poop on, say, sweaters. There is still enough newspaper in the world for puppies to poop on, and people (not my Dad) expect that there will always be.

But in the deep corners of San Francisco’s Animal Care & Control operations, officials have found that the supply of San Francisco Chronicle papers, which the newspaper company has traditionally given to the agency as a sort of catch-all for feces and urine, has been kinda sucky. It’s been a bit thin. How many puppies can crap on one Friday Style section, anyway? Five? Ten? Maybe someone should do an trend piece on it.

Enter the San Francisco Public Library, which is literally overflowing with old newspapers, many of them lining their patrons’ jackets and pants, or stacked like bricks on those car-bike-home things you see parked out front. In any event, the staffers at the SFPL have found themselves in a position of having too many newspapers, and they have entered an agreement to give old newspapers to Animal Care & Control every two weeks, according to CBS News.

“This most likely will take care of 100 percent of our newspaper needs,” said animal care supervisor Eric Zuercher.

Huzzah! For the foreseeable future, puppies in San Francisco will have all the news that’s fit to print and poop on. Enjoy yourselves. We certainly are.

Eric Zuercher also called puppies “poop machines.”

Via CBS News

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