Happy Friday, friends!
The Internet is a wonderful thing. After all, where else can a dog like me — a Greyhound named Whirlwind — write for both people readers and my fellow canines (who, admittedly, mostly like to look at the pictures)? I don’t even have thumbs.
And evidently, there are OTHER websites beyond Dogster. What for? I have no idea. But some of them are pretty popular, and on occasion, their posts trend across the entire Web. Like the morning newspaper, I’m here to collect those stories and bring them directly to you. Good boy, am I right?
Here’s what you missed if you napped all week like some stupid cat.
I overheard my humans talking a lot about a Jeb Bush this past weekend. Apparently, a Jeb Bush is not flora or shrubbery — it was some sort of a human king candidate.
From my understanding, which admittedly isn’t much due to my comically small head, Jeb Bush dropped out of some very important race this year.
Honestly, that’s probably for the best. I’ve seen that guy, and there’s no way he’s as fast as me. Better to quit a race before the opening gun than to finish in last place behind all us Greyhounds.
Speaking of races …
Denny wins Daytona 500 by a nose
Now THIS is a car ride!
NASCAR races make my human’s jeep look like a go-kart. The only part I wouldn’t like about whipping around the track are those annoying window nets. No dog this side of a toy breed could get their head out of those! Aside from wind and that adorable tongue-hanging-out thing we do, what else is the point in going for a ride?
Anyway, did you see how close this car ride race finish was? Human Denny Hamlin won by a nose! And not like a Golden Retriever snout — like a Pug’s pushed-in nose.
Speaking of car rides …
Voice of God comes to Waze:
First, how about these transitions of mine between trending topics? Not bad for a canine, right? We may understand the same number of vocabulary words as a 2-year-old human, but this dog writes on at least a 6-year-old human level.
Anyway, next time your adult humans take you out for a spin and want to get to their destination in the most efficient way possible, they can be soothed by the voice of God, Morgan Freeman.
Unfortunately, the app even works for directions to the vet. (Shudder)
I’m told the update is a actually marketing ploy for the actor’s upcoming movie, London Has Fallen. Ironically, I tried to get Waze Freeman to give me driving directions from the United States to London, England, but for some reason it didn’t work. Stupid thing must already be broken.
Hitler was fixed, too
Hard to segue to Hitler, so let’s just get to it. Here’s a weird one that took the web over early this week.
Apparently, worst human ever Adolf Hitler was essentially naturally neutered. Historians claimed that Hitler had a condition called hypospadias, which left him half a man — at best.
Well, that explains basically everything. Insert your own dog-genitalia lipstick joke here. Gross.
Damn, Daniel: I totally want to chew on your white Vans.
Sometimes, humans just confuse me. I don’t know what a meme is, and the only viral thing I ever got was kennel cough. I think this is a video that is meant to show off some high school kid’s style, but I wouldn’t know anything about clothing, I just wear the same collar every day.
If you really want to elicit a “damn!” response out of me, try rocking a brindle coat.
Damn Daniel pic.twitter.com/Va10hmpePO
— josh (@josholzz) February 16, 2016
Emojis have officially taken over
Apparently, just “liking” something on social media isn’t good enough for these millennial puppies anymore.
On Wednesday, Facebook rolled out some new options for one human to express emotions on another’s social media posts. Options include: “love,” “sad,” “angry,” “haha,” and “wow.” For this news, I choose “angry.”
I expect Dogbook to follow suit any day now with “lick,” “cry,” “bite,” “wag,” and “oh-my-God-is-that-a-Snausage?!?”
What were your favorite trending topics of the week? Did I miss any big ones? Check back next Friday for a new litter of stories.
Read more humor:
- Our Dalmatian Film Critic Picks the Best Picture Oscar Winner!
- Brutus the Old English Sheepdog Predicts This Year’s Grammy Winners
- We Ask Puppy Bowl XII Participants the Tough Questions on Media Day
About the author: Tony Maglio is a writer/reporter based in Howell, New Jersey. He inherited a cat, Rory, when his now-wife moved in. Together, they adopted a kitten, Griswold, to be a little brother and friend. That backfired terribly, so now they’re planning to add more chaos via a rescue dog. Tony is a TV journalist for Hollywood trade magazine TheWrap and an alum of the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism. He was a freelance writer for five seasons of Saturday Night Live. Follow him on Twitter.