A UK-based animal charity has just launched the world’s first “pet-nup” to protect the animals of couples who split up.

It’s true: Saddened by homeless post-breakup dogs, Blue Cross for Pets asked divorce lawyers to create a groundbreaking legal document patterned after pre-nuptial contracts.

By signing the 18-page pet-nup — which can be viewed in full here — couples agree under penalty of law to follow a vast spectrum of of post-breakup obligations, including these. (Text is verbatim from the contract.)

“Both parties shall use their best endeavors not to act in a hostile manner towards each other in front of the pet.”

Smile, sleazebag. Muffin is watching.

“All holidays are to be shared equally as X or Y’s work permits, at times and dates to be agreed between the parties.”

(Yes yes yes, by “holidays” the pet-nup’s British authors probably meant what Americans would call “vacations.” But isn’t it jolly to imagine … ?)

“The pet will not be allowed to breed unless both parties consent.”

Yeah, that’s the ticket. Hold Bongo’s libido hostage to punish your ex.

“No pet or animal will be given as a prize to unaccompanied children under the age of sixteen.”

Because we all know where that leads.

Illustrations by Anneli Rufus