First things first. There’s simply no way to review a product that picks up dog poop without first discussing, well, my dog’s poop. To be specific, my 140-pound Saint Bernard’s poop. There’s no cute way to say it; the truth is: Monkey’s poop is a real situation.

No, it does not require me to carry around a shovel, as stranger after stranger loves to suggest, but picking it up does require my tiny hand to use a stacking technique (which I’ve perfected unless he starts pulling and then … oh goodness), and I do use a bag that’s slightly thicker than your average poop bag. AND OKAY, FINE. SOMETIMES I HAVE TO USE TWO BAGS. I don’t really want to talk about those times, though. Some things in life are best dealt with in therapy, don’t you agree?

The other truth about Monkey’s enormous poop is that I don’t mind picking it up. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t look forward to the four million times it seems to happen every day. And I get really annoyed when he pulls his signature move of watching me only bring one poop bag and then spreading his poop out into three sessions. But for the most part, bending over, stacking his poop up so that it fits in the bag, and then tying the bag into a knot, is not the worst part of my day.

Could I do without the stares I get from passersby as I navigate his poop? Sure. Do I wish I didn’t have to hear little girls scream, “EWWWWWWWWWWW!” as they stare at the poop drop from his butt onto the small patch of dirt he’s found next to a San Francisco sidewalk tree? Absolutely. And does it bug the crap (pun intended, sorry) out of me when someone comes over to say hi right as he’s about to go? Yes, yes it does. Seriously, people. Stop doing that.

Still, when I was offered the chance to try out the Scorpion Scooper (whose tagline, “Picking Up Is Just a Simple Squeeze Away,” is rather unfortunate), I obviously had to say yes. Mostly because I was convinced that there was no way all of Monkey’s poop would fit into a pooper scooper, but also because hey, why not? There may come a day when I can’t bend over (she says, remembering the time she fractured her spine snowboarding), and also it promised “multiple pickups per bag,” which seemed like an attractive option for when Monkey and I spend time in Tahoe and I (don’t judge) let him go in the yard and I don’t always pick it up immediately. Oh, like you’ve never done that …

Probably if Monkey and I didn’t spend a lot of time in Tahoe, I would never have agreed to even give the Scorpion Scooper a chance. I mean, I have very little shame, but I just couldn’t picture me walking around my San Francisco neighborhood with a pooper scooper. Monkey already attracts enough attention; we can do without any more. Still, it seemed like it could be good for people who live in the suburbs or have yards, so I felt like it was my doodie, I mean duty, to try it out. (I CANNOT HELP THE PUNS. I’m sorry.)

Here’s what the Scorpion Scooper promised:

• Easy to carry and use
• No bending over
• No touching of the poop
• Multiple pickups per bag
• No smell
• Single-handed operation
• Scooper stays clean

And here’s how that went for me:

Easy to carry and use

I fancy myself an intelligent girl who can follow directions pretty well. Case in point: I have built more IKEA furniture by myself in this lifetime than I care to admit. But for some reason, I found the Scorpion Scooper kind of hard to figure out. Basically, you have to find the holes on the bag (it uses special bags) and then stick those onto the scooper. And then you pull the bag through and voila — ish. I thought I did it properly, but my first (and fine, second) attempts to actually pick up poop did not go well. I mean, I even watched the YouTube video, and it STILL didn’t help.

And while I don’t really want to talk about or admit this, the “no touching of the poop” promise was broken. Which never happens when I just use a good old-fashioned bag and my handy-dandy stacking technique. Also, I feel the need to point out that the poop pictured below is old poop and has therefore shriveled a bit, and it was also one of Monkey’s smaller poops. I didn’t want to totally terrify the entire world out of ever owning a Saint Bernard. You’re welcome.

No bending over

I suppose I did not bend over. And frankly, to me, this is the biggest benefit of the Scorpion Scooper. I think elderly people or people with back problems would really benefit from this tool (if they’re smarter than I am and can figure out how to use it).

No touching of the poop

I already said I didn’t want to talk about this. Sheesh!

Multiple pickups per bag

Okay, so I have NO clue how this would work, but I tried several techniques, one of which included me trying to sort of flip the first pile of poop deeper into the bag and then carrying it held high in the air, and let’s just say it’s a really good thing I was testing this product while alone in the woods. So, no: It did NOT pick up multiple Monkey poops. Not even close.

No smell

This promise makes no sense to me. Poop smells. Especially when it weighs close to a pound and comes out of an adorable Saint Bernard puppy. Even if I am standing five feet and seven inches above it.

Single-handed operation

I used two hands to set the whole thing up. One hand to carry it around and try to pick up the poop. And then two hands to get the bag off, so … kinda?

Scooper stays clean

Cleaner than my hands, that’s for sure! (No, in all seriousness, it does stay clean because it uses a bag, which seems like a good thing.) There wasn’t an easy way to tie the bag when I was finished, though, which seems like a problem. Do people just dump untied poop bags into their garbage? #yucky

I don’t like to, ahem, dump on products; frankly, I’d rather just not review them. However, in this particular case, I suspect the Scorpion Scooper just isn’t something that Monkey and I really need in our lives, so the fact that I also found it a little difficult to use (I’m sure it gets way easier the more you do it) and that it didn’t pick up multiple poops (again, likely because Monkey’s poops are huge), means it just wasn’t a good fit for us. However, that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be good for other people. Let me break it down:

Dogster scorecard for the Scorpion Scooper

• Quality: It’s made of a stainless steel wire, an aluminum allow shaft, and fiber-reinforced nylon parts. And it’s super light at just eight ounces. I feel like it would last a long time.
• Style: It’s a pooper scooper, so let’s not get carried away here. It’s about function, not style.
• Function: I found it harder to use than I thought I would, but now seems like a great time to mention that it has a FLASHLIGHT attached to it so you can pick up poop at night. I think that was my favorite part. Also, I am sure it would get easier to use with time.
• Creativity: 100 points for creativity.
• Value: Based on which length you choose, the Scorpion Scooper ranges from $19.95 to $24.95 and comes with 16 rolls of poop bags. If you were going to really use the Scorpion Scooper, I think it’s an excellent value.

Bottom line

The Scorpion Scooper isn’t for me, but I have a dog who poops BIG and am able to bend over and easily pick it up using my (patent-pending) stacking technique and a poop bag. I think for most people, this is an unnecessary tool, BUT if you can’t bend over easily to pick up your dog’s poop or if you just really hate picking up poop, then it could be a great option for you. No crap.

Read more dog product reviews:

• Monkey the Saint Bernard Tries Out a Subscription PawPack Box
• Liberty Wristband Claims Hands-Free Walks — Monkey Puts It to the Test
• Monkey the Saint Bernard Tests the Crypton Throver 

About the author: Daisy Barringer grew up in San Francisco and didn’t let the fact that she’s a city girl keep her from getting her dream dog: a Saint Bernard. She and Monkey love to romp in the snow in Tahoe, visit dog-friendly bars, watch 49ers football, and drool. Yup, both of ’em.