The industry of creating products for dogs that are marketed to humans continues to thrive. And while we support innovations that help make our pals’ lives easier, there’s no denying that there are certain items that just don’t need to exist. We could do without these 10 particular items, at the very least — we’re confident our dogs will still be able to live happy, healthy, and productive lives in their absence.
If you really need an electronic device to listen to your dog’s barking and tell you that he is feeling anxious, you should probably spend a little bit more time bonding with your pet. This feels like a one-day party trick at best.
2. Bowser Beer
The world’s first beer for dogs and, quite possibly, the last. It’s nonalcoholic, but why would anyone feel the need to have their best friend mimic their beer gut on four legs?
3. AshPoopie
This product vaporizes canine waste into ash with a sort of magic wand and aims to eliminate (geddit?) the bother of scooping and dumping poop along walks. But this requires so much more focus on the feces we’d rather spend on continuing the walk.
Cartoony flowers, hearts, and even first-place ribbons are among the options for covering a doggie anus. Call us crazy, but we think this just draws more unwanted attention to the area that could be better served elsewhere.
5. Puppy Tweets
This electronic dog tag will tweet you on Twitter when your buddy moves or barks when you’re at work or otherwise away. It sounds maddening! Remember: A little distance is healthy in all relationships.
6. Poop Freeze
Another product that forces us to spend way more time with our dogs’ droppings than it would take us to swiftly scoop ’em and move on with the day. If you’re nine, you might enjoy this whole freezing shite process, but we’re grown, thank you very much.
7. Fetchtastic
Having an automatic tennis ball dispenser for dogs is a clear sign you don’t have enough playtime to offer your pooch. You can do better! It’s not like you have to chase the ball.
To your dog, the Humunga Stache is just a little knob to bite on, but to you it’s another way to humiliate him by making him unwittingly wear a handlebar mustache.
9. Pootrap Magic Poop Collector
The humiliation of making your pup carry her own poop via a strapped-on cupholder-type contraption just isn’t worth it. Adopt her out to a more loving home if you really hate her so much.
10. Hotdoll
This four-legged sex toy for dogs is over the top. It could be just the right distraction for an addled animal, but we’re not going to encourage it because we wouldn’t want to look at it in our house.
